Senator’s John McCain and Hillary Clinton share a tender moment after Congress passes the summer gas tax holiday bill they both support.

After Congress passed a summer gas tax relief bill sponsored by presidential candidates John McCain and Hillary Clinton, gas prices dropped to under $1.00/gallon for the first time in years. Though the gas tax itself is only 18 cents per gallon, worldwide response to the government’s sacrifice of gas tax revenue was overwhelming.

“We were so impressed we decided to reduce our profits to just two cents/galloon” said David O’Reilly, CEO of Chevron. “If the government can give up that much, it’s the least we can do.”

OPEC members responded quickly as well, dropping oil prices and increasing production. “The United States has demonstrated a true commitment to reducing energy costs with their tax holiday - we are honored to follow their lead,” said King Abdul Aziz of Saudi Arabia.

Senator Barak Obama, a long time opponent of the gas tax reduction was apologetic. “I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong,” said Obama. “I was sure eliminating the gas tax for the summer was nothing more than a political stunt that would have no significant impact on the energy crises and would have the greatest benefit to owners of large gas guzzling vehicles. Who would have guessed that people would use their savings to make down payments on small cars and hybrids, increasing our overall energy efficiency to the point that oil imports dropped 50% virtually overnight?”

In addition, the gas tax cut triggered an end to the recession, as the economy boomed and energy costs dropped. Construction companies particularly benefited from a dramatic increase in highway construction projects made necessary by the deterioration of roads nationwide due to the lack of maintenance caused by the lack of gas tax funds.

Newly homeless ex-employees of Bear Stearns and JP Morgan struggle to survive.

Wall Street was stunned this week by yet another round of layouts - this time Citibank’s announcement that they would layoff 9,000 employees.

The employees, most of them investment bankers making salaries in the range of $200,000, are protesting these layoffs as being unjust and likely to drive them into financial crisis if not homelessness.

“I spent the past few years building complex mortgage based derivative securities for Citibank,” said one disgruntled soon to be ex-employee, “and what do I get for it? The boot!”

Indeed, most Americans surveyed are sympathetic to their plight. “My home just went into foreclosure because my payments rose from $500/month to $4,500/month,” said Marvin P. Labor of Oakridge TN. “I was holding one of their easy-qualifying low doc ‘your home is our home’ mortgage products. The officer assured me it was the best thing for me, but I guess I really should have read the fine print - now my home is there home. Still, I suppose I’m better off than those guys who went from $200 thousand to nothing. I really don’t hate them for creating the mortgage that drove me into bankruptcy. I really don’t.”

The Fed released a statement this week stating that the sudden job loss among the people most responsible for creating the nation’s sub-prime mortgage crisis and triggering a recession is not “cosmic justice”, but rather an abnormal quirk in the economy. “Usually those people who cause an economic crisis end up wealthy and suffer no consequences from their actions,” said Fed Chairman Bernanke. “This really is an unusual situation.

Meanwhile, J.P. Morgan, in adopting a new policy of public service after purchasing Bear Stearns at fire sale prices, rescinded Stearns’ offers to 250 new graduates. “The best way to stabilize the economy is to keep those crazy new graduates away,” said Jamie Dimon, Morgan’s CEO, “we need to keep the economy in the hands of those mature bankers who have given our financial system the stability it has today.”

President Bush waves to crowd while wearing traditional Chinese garb.

President Bush today announced that he will definitely attend the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in Beijing, citing as his reason that it is a sporting event and acknowledging that the U.S. and China have a special relationship. When asked to elaborate on the special relationship, Bush added “well, they hold about $600 billion of our national debt. They told me that if I didn’t show up they would foreclose. As it is, I don’t know how we’re going to make the payments going forward. So if our bankers, I mean China, wants me to show up and wave at a sporting event, you don’t really think I’m going to refuse and risk pissing them off, do you?”

Political analysts universally agreed that it was the single wisest statement the president had ever made, and the most grammatically correct as well.

Clinton, gun in hand, marches with the working while praying

A new AP poll has validated Barak Obama’s statement that many working class people were bitter and have turned to religion and guns in their time of need. The polls also suggest that the more bitter they are, the more likely they are to turn to Hillary. Henry X. Ford, a bolt tightener for GM and typical working man, had this to say: “I’m a typical working man, and when I’m bitter, I take my guns and pray to Hillary.”

Clinton, who is an avid hunter, and known for tracking and taking down dozens of Bill’s mistresses, is said to identify closely with the working class. “Bill and I earned over $100 million in the past five years, so we know what it’s like to struggle to survive on a budget. We know what it’s like to be kicked out of our home after just eight years.”

Meanwhile, the Obama campaign was struggling to understand how telling the truth could backfire so badly. “Maybe if I had made $109 million dollars, rejected my preacher and gave up on gun control, the working class would like me too,” speculated Obama.

Starbucks fries leaves Ronald McDonald steamed

Responding to competition from McDonalds, that was recently rated by Consumer Reports as having the best coffee (described as “decent and … had no flaws”, considerably better than that of Starbucks which was described as “strong, but burnt and bitter”), Starbucks has decided to offer fries in their 7100 domestic restaurants. “If McDonalds can compete with us on coffee, then you better believe we can compete with them on greasy fast food,” said Starbucks Chief Executive Howard Schultz.

Indeed, industry analysts expect Starbucks to fully engage McDonalds, following their fries initiative with other fast food items such as the “Chicken McCaffine”, “Espresso Pounder” and the premier “Big Mug” sandwich. McDonalds is said to be considering responding with a sophisticated challenge to Starbucks including specialty meals such as the “Chicken Mocha Latte Quarter Pounder” and the “Caramel Frappachicken Blended Tazo Salad”.

(Note - the part about McDonalds coffee being the best rated chain restaurant coffee by Consumer Reports is true).