Senator’s John McCain and Hillary Clinton share a tender moment after Congress passes the summer gas tax holiday bill they both support.

After Congress passed a summer gas tax relief bill sponsored by presidential candidates John McCain and Hillary Clinton, gas prices dropped to under $1.00/gallon for the first time in years. Though the gas tax itself is only 18 cents per gallon, worldwide response to the government’s sacrifice of gas tax revenue was overwhelming.

“We were so impressed we decided to reduce our profits to just two cents/galloon” said David O’Reilly, CEO of Chevron. “If the government can give up that much, it’s the least we can do.”

OPEC members responded quickly as well, dropping oil prices and increasing production. “The United States has demonstrated a true commitment to reducing energy costs with their tax holiday – we are honored to follow their lead,” said King Abdul Aziz of Saudi Arabia.

Senator Barak Obama, a long time opponent of the gas tax reduction was apologetic. “I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong,” said Obama. “I was sure eliminating the gas tax for the summer was nothing more than a political stunt that would have no significant impact on the energy crises and would have the greatest benefit to owners of large gas guzzling vehicles. Who would have guessed that people would use their savings to make down payments on small cars and hybrids, increasing our overall energy efficiency to the point that oil imports dropped 50% virtually overnight?”

In addition, the gas tax cut triggered an end to the recession, as the economy boomed and energy costs dropped. Construction companies particularly benefited from a dramatic increase in highway construction projects made necessary by the deterioration of roads nationwide due to the lack of maintenance caused by the lack of gas tax funds.

Newly homeless ex-employees of Bear Stearns and JP Morgan struggle to survive.

Wall Street was stunned this week by yet another round of layouts – this time Citibank’s announcement that they would layoff 9,000 employees.

The employees, most of them investment bankers making salaries in the range of $200,000, are protesting these layoffs as being unjust and likely to drive them into financial crisis if not homelessness.

“I spent the past few years building complex mortgage based derivative securities for Citibank,” said one disgruntled soon to be ex-employee, “and what do I get for it? The boot!”

Indeed, most Americans surveyed are sympathetic to their plight. “My home just went into foreclosure because my payments rose from $500/month to $4,500/month,” said Marvin P. Labor of Oakridge TN. “I was holding one of their easy-qualifying low doc ‘your home is our home’ mortgage products. The officer assured me it was the best thing for me, but I guess I really should have read the fine print – now my home is there home. Still, I suppose I’m better off than those guys who went from $200 thousand to nothing. I really don’t hate them for creating the mortgage that drove me into bankruptcy. I really don’t.”

The Fed released a statement this week stating that the sudden job loss among the people most responsible for creating the nation’s sub-prime mortgage crisis and triggering a recession is not “cosmic justice”, but rather an abnormal quirk in the economy. “Usually those people who cause an economic crisis end up wealthy and suffer no consequences from their actions,” said Fed Chairman Bernanke. “This really is an unusual situation.

Meanwhile, J.P. Morgan, in adopting a new policy of public service after purchasing Bear Stearns at fire sale prices, rescinded Stearns’ offers to 250 new graduates. “The best way to stabilize the economy is to keep those crazy new graduates away,” said Jamie Dimon, Morgan’s CEO, “we need to keep the economy in the hands of those mature bankers who have given our financial system the stability it has today.”

President Bush waves to crowd while wearing traditional Chinese garb.

President Bush today announced that he will definitely attend the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in Beijing, citing as his reason that it is a sporting event and acknowledging that the U.S. and China have a special relationship. When asked to elaborate on the special relationship, Bush added “well, they hold about $600 billion of our national debt. They told me that if I didn’t show up they would foreclose. As it is, I don’t know how we’re going to make the payments going forward. So if our bankers, I mean China, wants me to show up and wave at a sporting event, you don’t really think I’m going to refuse and risk pissing them off, do you?”

Political analysts universally agreed that it was the single wisest statement the president had ever made, and the most grammatically correct as well.

Clinton, gun in hand, marches with the working while praying

A new AP poll has validated Barak Obama’s statement that many working class people were bitter and have turned to religion and guns in their time of need. The polls also suggest that the more bitter they are, the more likely they are to turn to Hillary. Henry X. Ford, a bolt tightener for GM and typical working man, had this to say: “I’m a typical working man, and when I’m bitter, I take my guns and pray to Hillary.”

Clinton, who is an avid hunter, and known for tracking and taking down dozens of Bill’s mistresses, is said to identify closely with the working class. “Bill and I earned over $100 million in the past five years, so we know what it’s like to struggle to survive on a budget. We know what it’s like to be kicked out of our home after just eight years.”

Meanwhile, the Obama campaign was struggling to understand how telling the truth could backfire so badly. “Maybe if I had made $109 million dollars, rejected my preacher and gave up on gun control, the working class would like me too,” speculated Obama.

Starbucks fries leaves Ronald McDonald steamed

Responding to competition from McDonalds, that was recently rated by Consumer Reports as having the best coffee (described as “decent and … had no flaws”, considerably better than that of Starbucks which was described as “strong, but burnt and bitter”), Starbucks has decided to offer fries in their 7100 domestic restaurants. “If McDonalds can compete with us on coffee, then you better believe we can compete with them on greasy fast food,” said Starbucks Chief Executive Howard Schultz.

Indeed, industry analysts expect Starbucks to fully engage McDonalds, following their fries initiative with other fast food items such as the “Chicken McCaffine”, “Espresso Pounder” and the premier “Big Mug” sandwich. McDonalds is said to be considering responding with a sophisticated challenge to Starbucks including specialty meals such as the “Chicken Mocha Latte Quarter Pounder” and the “Caramel Frappachicken Blended Tazo Salad”.

(Note – the part about McDonalds coffee being the best rated chain restaurant coffee by Consumer Reports is true).

Amtrak deploys every available train to meet increased demand after airlines cease operations.

After struggling for decades to overcome the combination of rising jet fuel costs and uncertain economic environments, every U.S. airline decided this week to follow the example of Aloha Airlines, ATA and Skybus and immediately cease operations.

“Ever since the stricter security measures instituted after 9/11, nobody really likes flying anyway,” said a spokesman for United Airlines. “So really, nobody is going to miss us.”

“This wills save us the hassle of inspecting our planes,” said Eyal Illcrashem of Southwest. “It was fun while it lasted, but between the increased cost of jet fuel and peanuts, we simply can’t afford continue operations.”

Passengers holding tickets were encouraged to contact their credit card companies for refunds. “What the F*@#$#,” was the response from representatives of the credit card companies, who found themselves having to refund millions of dollars that they were unlikely to be able to recover from the bankrupt airlines.

The collapse of domestic air travel operations forced passengers who needed to travel to search elsewhere for options. Amtrak struggled to deploy additional trains to meet the demand, but were having a difficult time, being forced to rely on previously retired cars and locomotives to provide even minimal service.

Loan officer repossesses pacemaker from deadbeat patient

When the heart starts to crash, you had better have the cash.

That’s the reality for millions of subprime borrowers whose pacemaker operation is contingent upon having an unusual option: a little box mounted underneath the ribcage that forces them to make their payments on time.

Periodic jolts begin when a payment is due. On deadline day, the unit changes the customer’s heart rhythm to play random country music before it shuts down. “Patients find it so annoying that their almost glad when the end arrives” said Simon Sayes, a representative of Sickurus, a company based in east Los Angeles. It’s among several companies that market such devices.

Sekurus was founded in 1999 and started selling “It’s your time”, as the device is called. It has sold 250,000 at up to $250 each. Most are bought by hospitals who cater to the uninsured, those who need life-saving technology but have checkered credit histories.

The device lowers default rates for subprime patients that typically run about 30% to about 5%, according to Simon. When default rates fall, lenders feel more secure offering financing for more valuable pacemakers to high-risk customers. By forcing buyers to pay on time, the device also rebuilds their credit record.

Cedric Brown, an insurance specialist at HMO Acceptance Center in Clifton Heights, Pa., says he’s had a great response. “We are able to help a lot of people who otherwise might die,” he says. A few customers, he adds, even grow to like the discipline it enforces, and even learn to enjoy country music.

Sickurus is continuing to introduce products. The latest enhancement is coupling the pacemaker to a global positioning device. Not only will the pacemaker automatically shut off, but a message with its location will go to the local coroner and to the loan holder to make repossession easier.

The Pope’s conversion catches the world by surprise.

“For the first time in history, we are no longer at the top: Muslims have overtaken us,” said Monsignor Vittorio Formenti of the Vatican. “Because this is an unacceptable state, and because we have been unable to convince Catholic families to get busy despite our bans on abortion and condom use, it is clear that the only way we will again become the world’s largest religion is to convert to Islam.”

Though Christianity overall remains the world’s largest religion, Pope Benedict insisted that it is far better for Catholics to become Moslems than to join in with other Christians in the all important contest to become the world’s largest religion. “We feel that in the long run our odds are much better as Moslems,” he said in an interview on Vatican radio. “In the long run it’s the winning that counts. The largest religion not only wins a dominant position in heaven, but also a very nice gold medal and a deluxe espresso machine which will fit very nicely in my office.”

London Heathrow’s new terminal 5 opened today, officially making Heathrow the world’s most complicated airport. The new terminal successfully addressed many of the problems Heathrow was known for.

Map of London’s Heathrow Airport Including New Terminal 5

“Our lost baggage problems have disappeared completely,” said Myron Sputnick, director of baggage handling for the new terminal. “We now know exactly where every piece of baggage is on the 3852 miles of conveyers that make up the new baggage system, and can forecast exactly when each piece will be retrieved. Here’s an example: With just a few clicks of the mouse I can tell you that the five pieces of luggage that the Perdack family of New Jersey need transferred from American flight 582 to Iberia flight 95 in order to make their cruise departure tomorrow will arrive… let’s see… July 2011.”

Thirty five British Air flights were cancelled on the first day of operation due to the planes getting lost on the tarmac between terminals “We’re pretty sure we’ll be able to direct Swissair flight 982 between terminal 4 to terminal 5 concourse F before the passengers starve,” said Marvin Navigman, a harried traffic controller, who nevertheless praised the beautiful architecture and open spaces of the new terminal saying “It’s a very relaxing place to spend a few days while trying to find your way to the underground after a shift.”

Red Cross disaster teams were fielded at the airport to provide urgent necessities to the 10,582 people who were estimated to be hopelessly lost, confused and stranded within the terminal and its complex maze of corridors. “We’ll provide them with everything they need to survive their layover,” said one team leader, “once we’re able to find them, that is.”

Complex prosthetics are just one of the challenges faced by non-dead Iraqi casualties.

Over 29000 wounded U.S. soldiers joined together in a class action suit against the 4000 soldiers who died in the Iraqi conflict. “It’s not fair that they get all the attention in the news reports over this milestone,” argued one soldier who preferred to remain anonymous. “All they had to do was die. We’re the ones who have to go on, dealing with injuries, pain, trauma and endless battles to get proper medical treatment from VA bureaucrats.”

Government officials dismissed the suit as baseless. “What do they want, A medal?” asked an administration spokesman. “Seriously though, you really need to discuss this with the media – they are the ones making all the fuss.”

“Dead is much more exciting than pain and misery – it gets higher ratings,” answered journalism professor Will Hearst of the University of Arlington. “Keep in mind also that most journalists are poor at math – they can count by thousands easily enough, but once you’re past 10,000, they have a hard time. There is, however, a chance that they’ll notice when the count of wounded hits 100,000 – that’s a big number that should produce some fine ratings.”