Bill Clinton and Charlie McCarthy share a certain resemblance.

General Merrill McPeak, a top foreign policy advisor to the Obama campaign, today likened former president Bill Clinton to McCarthy, saying that “I grew up, I was going to college when McCarthy was accusing good Americans of being traitors,” referring to Clinton’s implication that Barak Obama was not patriotic.

This accusation came in light of Clinton’s statement that a race between McCain and Hillary would involve “two people who loved this country and were devoted to the interest of this country.” Any reasonable person (or at least general), would naturally conclude from this that Barak Obama did not love his country and was not devoted to its best interest, following the same logic that if you tell someone you love them, it implies that you hate everyone else.

Meanwhile, Edgar Bergan, dead owner of Charlie McCarthy, issued a statement by way of a spirit medium insisting that McCarthy never accused anyone of being a traitor unless it was funny. He then went on to observe that “Comparing Bill Clinton to my ventriloquist dummy is, indeed, funny. The only difference between them, come to think of it, is that instead of controlling him with a hand up his butt, you’d control Bill with a hand on his…” at which point the medium fainted and the line to the other side was disconnected.

Three State Department employees were suspended today for looking at Barak Obama’s personal passport records. “We just wanted to check out his passport photo,” said one of the employees, a contractor who previously worked at the Illinois Department of Motor Vehicles. “Turns out it was even funnier than his DMV shots.”

Barak Obama’s passport photo may doom his campaign

Looking at personal files and passing out photos is a common form of entertainment at the State Department, along with seeking out the most unlikely people to put on the TSA “no-fly” list.

The Obama campaign objected strongly to the breach of security and privacy, and demanded a full investigation. The Bush administration objected to performing any such investigation until Congress passed an amnesty law to protect the independent contractor who hired the curious employees from any lawsuits, arguing “we can’t hold corporations responsible for breaking laws that we ask them to break – not that we asked them to break any laws in this case, but they shouldn’t be liable anyway.”

Hillary Clinton absolutely refused to release her passport photos. “You can see my tax returns, you can see my medical records, you can even see Bill’s little black book. But some things are supposed to remain private.”

Cheney meeting President Karzai moments before a horrific hunting accident.

Vice President Dick Cheney met today with Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai and promptly shot him in the face.

“I don’t know how it happened,” said a chastened Cheney. “One moment we were talking,” he said, “then the next minute I realized he looked a bit like a moose and before I knew it – blam!”

This represents the fifteenth world leader who has been shot by Cheney in the past two years. “It’s a good thing for him the Supreme Court is leaning towards confirming the right of individuals to own guns and shoot people in the face,” said a noted constitutional scholar. “Otherwise, and If he weren’t the vice president, it’s quite possible he could wind up in jail or even trigger a war.”

Spokesmen for the Vice President denied the possibility of any significant consequences. “The Vice President may seem a bit careless, but we assure you he is careful to only shoot close friends, or officials of countries where we are already at war.”

President Bush defended the actions of his Vice President, noting “at least he didn’t buy a $4000 prostitute.”

The media was left collectively scratching their heads over Barak Obama’s speech on racial issues. “He used big words,” said CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. “But what I don’t understand, and still find hard to believe, is that it seems like Americans actually understood those big words.”

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWe7wTVbLUU[/youtube]

“This could destroy the entire mass media industry,” worried NBC anchor Brian Williams. “Could you imagine what our society would be like if politicians spoke intelligently, and people actually listened to what they had to say? Our careers depend on finding short sound-bytes, taking them out of context, misinterpreting them in the worst possible light, and presenting it based on our own political bias or that of whoever owns our publishing company.”

Reports from the Clinton campaign were largely puzzled: “You mean, we didn’t have to denounce and reject Ferraro?” asked one Clinton spokesperson.

John McCain’s campaign manager was quick to chime in: “I assure you that it has been many, many years since Senator McCain has owned slaves.”

President Bush also responded to the speech: “I heard about the speech. I brought in experts to explain to me the big words. And one thing I know: we are beating the terrorists in Iraq – the surge is working.”

Scientists are mixed as to whether the IQ boost is permanent. “America has a recent history of choosing the least intelligent candidate,” said Dr. Brains R. Bigg of the Mind Institute. “If that tradition hold true, Obama’s campaign is doomed. But if Americans actually do pay attention… well, you never know…”

Interest rate reduction leads to inflationary pressure.

The Federal Reserve today cut the federal funds rate 5% to an unprecedented -2%, sparking a huge stock market rally and instant housing boom. Realtor Darren Mcrate of Las Vegas, having sold 12 houses by noon, commented: “Yesterday we couldn’t move them at any price – today people are loading up on the largest most expensive houses they can find sight unseen.”

Under the new economic paradigm, banks pay you to borrow money – so a million dollar home loan can increase your income by a full $20,000 per year. Hurt were those consumers and individuals who were foolish enough to save for a rainy day. “I have $200,000 in my retirement fund” said Mrs. G. Williker of Nashville, “and it’s now costing me $4,000 a year in interest fees. And the $20/gallon gas is making it tough to get around.”

Indeed, larger investors sold the dollar to obtain higher returns, leading to a dramatic collapse in the value of the dollar and increase in the price of imports (such as gas and most consumer goods) and triggering an inflation rate of 500%.

The cut in interest rates also lead to numerous deaths. Financial analysts, economists and commentators died en-mass when, unable to handle the incredible confusion or reconcile the conflicting advice they were hearing and offering, their heads simply exploded.

Bear Stearns building is gracefully disassembled by giant bear after sale to JP Morgan.

In a stunning admission of how screwed up the economy really is, the Federal Reserve arranged for sale of Bear Stearns, “home of the bear market”, to JP Morgan for a mere $2/share. “Without Bear Stearns, a true Bear market is no longer possible,” Said Jose Berdollarfalls, a senior financial analyst at the Fed. “Indeed, we are confident that this sale, along with the $30 billion we’re throwing in to paper over their sub-prime loan portfolio, will serve to delude the public – I mean increase the public’s confidence in our financial markets and economy.”

British billionaire Joseph Lewis, who lost $800 million on the deal, responded to interviews saying “Arghgh gargahsl arrrrrrrrgghghghghg!”, clearly indicating his own belief that eliminating Bear Sterns will finally chase the bears off wall street.

But the greatest vote of confidence came from Bear Stearns’ own employees, who collectively owned about 30% of the company, most of whom are soon to be unemployed and impoverished. Internal surveys this morning confirmed their belief that a strong bull market is inevitable after the sale, with 80% of the employees agreeing that “This is bull”, 15 % saying “This is totally bull”, and the other 5% saying “Arghgh gargahsl arrrrrrrrgghghghghg!”

Chinese tourists crowd popular Tibetian tourist sites.

Many popular tourist destinations find themselves facing the challenges of success; few more than Lhasa Tibet, which has recently been overwhelmed by large numbers of Chinese tourists.

A Lhasa resident, who preferred to remain anonymous, described it as follows: “It’s very annoying when Chinese tourists take up two or three parking spaces with their oversized tanks. They are almost as bad as Americans with their giant SUVs. And the crowds – it’s very hard to get around, and when we spend time practicing our traditional Tibetan stone throwing, it’s almost impossible to avoid hitting some of them.”

Chinese tourism officials were quick to respond: “We know that some people were worried that the presence of torched buildings along with the risks of getting in the way of traditional Tibetan stone throwing might discourage tourism, but we’re pleased to report that if anything it has increased the popularity of Tibet as a tourist destination, especially for the young men.”

So far, international response to the problem has been muted. One U.S. diplomat was quoted as saying “it’s a good thing – the more Chinese in Tibet, the more hotel rooms will be available for foreign tourists during the Beijing Olympics. You wouldn’t have any extra tickets available, would you?”

Uncle Sam denounces and rejects the Reverend Wright from his new home in the underworld.

Barak Obama’s Minister, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, was recently discovered to have damned America. Quoted as saying “The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then wants us to sing ‘God Bless America.’ No, no, no, God damn America, that’s in the Bible for killing innocent people. God damn America for treating our citizens as less than human”, the reverend’s actions were widely denounces as unpatriotic, treasonous and even satanic.

President Bush was quick to express dismay: “What does he want from us? We’ve already built enough jails to incarcerate 10% of all black men. How many more prisons does he want?”

Pope Benedict condemned the Reverend’s unwillingness to sing ‘God Bless America’, describing it as proof that there must be something demonic going on (beyond the obvious fact that Wright is only Christian and not a member of the Catholic church).

Hillary Clinton was reported to be speechless over the scandal (specifically, unable to stop laughing long enough to express any coherent words), and was otherwise delighted that the story served to remove Geraldine Ferraro from the front pages.

Barak Obama of course denounced and rejected the Reverend Wright, and observed “There’s really a greater concern here. One day it’s a Clinton supporter, next day one of mine, next day one of McCain’s. By November none of us will have any supporters left, as it’s virtually impossible for any of us to find supporters who haven’t at one time or another said something incredibly stupid.”

America, as represented by Uncle Sam, was not happy about being damned, but expressed resignation: “What are they going to do? Send me to fight in some distant desert country like Iraq? Oh…”

Attractive new $5 bill is sure to increase the value of the dollar

Recent drops in the value of the dollar have caused increasing concern, as the dollar’s drop leads to increases in the price of oil and other imports. Actions by the Federal Reserve to support the economy (particularly reductions in interest rates) have further increased pressure on the dollar, as investors flock to currencies with higher returns.

In an effort to reverse the dollar’s slide, Fed psychologists have made efforts to make the dollar more appealing by adding color. “People like pretty things and prefer to buy them over ugly things,” observed Gertrude Bernicely of the Fed. “The Euro and other currencies are very colorful and thus people want to hold on to them. By making the dollar more colorful, people will buy more of them and their value will increase.”

Plans to increase the amount of color on the uniforms of American soldiers and on U.S. weaponry are currently on hold pending completion of a search for a psychologist who would be willing to support the administration’s belief that this will indeed make the world appreciate and support U.S. foreign policy.

Three of the 41 planes grounded by Southwest.

Southwest today grounded 41 planes when it discovered it had failed to inspect them for structural cracks. Southwest customer relations manager Kary Geller expressed surprise at the tumult this caused “we at Southwest believe in providing the best possible customer experience, and we have received numerous compliments from customers who enjoyed being able to look outside through gaping holes in the fuselage instead of the tiny scratched up windows that most airlines provide”

Southwest representatives were also upset over the $10.2 million penalty enacted by the FAA. “They could have at least let us land them safely instead of just grounding them,” said one Southwest mechanic who asked to remain anonymous. It’s going to be much harder to inspect them now, not to mention put them back together.

“Most of the grounded planes were older models,” said FAA administrator Ima Jetta. “Older planes should have known better than to go without inspections. This will teach them a lesson they won’t forget. Of course, we didn’t expect them to take us quite so literally” she added.

Passengers from the grounded planes were not available for comment.